if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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