my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
