You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
