based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And my parents said I crawled through the house
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
