i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
