from now on my penis is your penis
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
