Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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