Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
