He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
