just tell him i said nine months
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
