just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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