pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We talked him into tasing himself.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
