never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
