I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
