Umm I'm too high to move.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
