He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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