I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
