Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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