Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
