There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
