Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
