i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
