Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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