I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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