You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
