I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
