Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
