He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
