She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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