So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We had sex on a dog bed..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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