I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
