You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
