Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
