she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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