Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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