I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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