I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
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Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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