So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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