Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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