He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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