my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
