i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
