Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
