Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
