i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
