My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
God, I missed his penis.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
