i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
