I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
