i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
PANTIES FOUND
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