i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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