i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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