I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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