I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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