She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We are two peas in an std pod
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
