So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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