if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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