Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
