I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I need to align my fucking chakras
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
