Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
