I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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