remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
